Couples Therapy
For better, for worse…
It’s not popular to say, but the truth is that people are capable of their best AND worst behavior in a relationship – anger, laziness, bad habits, broken promises, and infidelity (even if you’ve uttered the words, “They would never” or “I could never”).
When the honeymoon phase downshifts into real life, the relationship gets put on ‘cruise control’; more attention to the outside world, less attention to each other leads to break downs in communication, trust and connection. Anger rises, hurt is caused, and the divide grows.
You start to feel lonely even when your mate is in the room. You stop “choosing” your partner and, instead, feel “stuck” with them.
When you no longer “like” each other…
… this is why couples come to therapy.
Love brings them in to see me, but they’ve both lost the “like.”
The quirks that used to make your partner so charming become irritating. The yearning for touch and time together turns into longing for alone time.
You can get your fire back…
I help couples of all genders, sexes, ethnicities, religions, orientations, and lifestyles restore the “like” in their relationship.
There is nothing I can do to make you love each other, but there are so many tools at my disposal to help you like and desire each other again.
When the three of us sit together and talk, I’ll first help you figure out how the problems began. We’ll acknowledge the pain caused and then start laying the groundwork for a new, better relationship.
The goal isn’t to “get back to where you used to be”; it’s to create something new, better and stronger than you ever had before.
We’ll challenge the beliefs that were stopping you from getting there in the past and come up with ways to start filling each other’s emotional bank accounts (yes, folks, this means doing the work outside of session, too!).
When you begin getting your needs met, the motivation to grow your relationship expands tenfold.
If you’re willing to do the work…
You can make that shift toward connection. This means being open to new ideas and choosing to make your partner happy whether their needs make sense or not.
What might happen if you started liking each other with intensity and without judgment or question? Specks of sparks would spike and grow into an enduring flame.
When you each feel respected, understood, desired AND liked, you move mountains together.
Doubtful that you and your partner can make the shift?
Take a look at the “before” of Shane and Traci*:
At session one, they already had a tentative appointment scheduled with a divorce lawyer. They didn’t want to split, but they didn’t think they could fix the relationship.
With very low expectations, they asked to have one session with me and then “see if it was worth keeping the meeting with the attorney.”
I explained that miracles don’t happen after one session but that I would be happy to help clarify things and see if there was a chance to work it out.
They were deeply sad about the state of their marriage, but mostly angry at one another for feeling so let down. Fights happened almost daily.
Everything they said got misconstrued; every action was criticized, and they assumed the worst in each other.
By the time we finished our first session, there was a slight improvement. Awareness grew around the misinterpretations that led to hurt, which led to mistrust which created a slow disconnect. No one was ready to commit to working it out but they committed to coming back next week.
Shane and Traci “during”:
Next week turned into every week and then the shift started happening.
They became a little more patient when the disagreements occurred, because they focused more on listening instead of yelling.
They shifted from “It’s your fault,” to “I see how I could have done that better.”
Little by little, they started going on dates again. The emotional intimacy led back to the physical intimacy they used to enjoy so much.
Shane and Traci “after”:
They come to see me once a month for “maintenance.” They have acknowledged that they now have the skills to do it on their own, but they have a mindset that they didn’t have before therapy – they’ve realized that putting effort into their relationship is a forever-commitment and maintenance therapy is one of the ways they keep that promise to each other.
These days, do they ever have friction?
Of course!
Couples therapy isn’t about learning to be perfect. It’s about recognizing that each person has unique needs; and, as a result, there will always be some conflict.
Having issues ISN’T the problem – THE WAY YOU HANDLE IT IS.
Are you ready for a better, stronger relationship?
You can once again enjoy spending time together, communicate with ease, trust and start missing each other while you’re apart.
I will walk you through every step with compassion and expert skills. It’s time to optimize your relationship, because it CAN happen.
Let’s get started! Call me today: (818) 971-7155
*Names changed to preserve client confidentiality.